martinzoo

Today is day one of a tough weekend for me.

Today we take Jabem off to college. I am going to miss him SO much. It’s weird, because I think in the years before they go off to college God tries to make it easier for moms by helping the teens to gain more independence. I barely see Jabem these days. He’s off with his friends or he’s holed up in his room chatting or playing games online. But I always know that he’ll be home to sleep in his own bed.

But it’s different when they actually leave. And you know that they won’t be walking in the door to run up to their room….. Or the phone calls aren’t for them anymore. It will be weird to be making such small meals. Godzilla Boy eats a totally different meal from my dh and myself because of his vegetarianism. So, our meat bill will go WAY down. And it will be strange to go to sleep and not hear that thump-thump-thump sound that the bass on his stereo makes at night. I won’t have to haul myself up the stairs to shut off the tv that he left on, either. But that just gives me an excuse to enter his world briefly. Now I won’t know what’s going on at all. Even his cell phone is broken. I’ll have to rely on him using the dorm phone…. Ha!
I’m pretty sad because a lot of my identity is all tied up into my mommyhood. I’ve always wanted to be a great mom. More importantly, I’ve wanted my kids to think I’ve done a good job. I don’t want to break down and cry when we take Jabem to his dorm. I want him to think that I think he’ll be fine. But I’m worried about him. And I’m really going to miss him….

This is a poem I wrote for him a couple of years ago. I thought it felt right for today, too.

It’s hard sometimes, when people are changing their lives,

to understand each other, or even to talk.

You are struggling right now for independence,

and the right to live your own way….

and sometimes I struggle for the strength to let you do it.

I wish, now and then, for the days when a kiss or a hug

could make your world bright again;

but your world is more difficult now,

and you want to make your own way in it –

which is as it should be.

I want you to know that when you get hurt,

I will hurt for you;

and that deep down, I always have confidence

in your ability to find your place in this world.

When you need a caring heart,

or someone to listen to your deepest dreams or concerns,

I will be there for you, because I love and care for you SO much.

Above all else, know that I love you…. I love you. I do.

And tomorrow we get to do this again with Aquagirl. See what I mean? It’s gonna be a tough weekend.

Thank God I still have GB around. And thank God I’m homeschooling and don’t have to watch his little face disappear on that great big yellow school bus everyday. I’m gonna hold on to this child tightly because I’ll be missing his older brother and sister. And he makes me feel like I’m still needed.